I’m sort of having one of those weeks where I have plenty to say, but I really don’t want to share much. So I will share what I can and go from there. I’m sure some of you are wondering about how I’m dealing with the situation of forgiving the person who I felt hurt by. I will say that I’m moving through it. Some days are easier than others, but for the most part, I’m CHOOSING not to trip off the person too much. Why? Well, I keep reminding myself that I have way too much I need and want to accomplish in life and I don’t want to knowingly allow hurt and bitterness to slow my journey of accomplishing those tasks. I have to humble myself when I think about how the children of Israel could have reached in the promised land in about 11 days, but it took them 40 years instead (see Numbers 14:33-34). I’m sorry, but for me 40 years would be too long for me to wait and accomplish some of my goals, because of arrogance and stubbornness on my part. I will say for me personally, one of my strong points has always been to find humor in various situations. Since I still have to interact with this person on a frequent basis, I find ways to laugh about some of the interactions. Mostly, I laugh at myself and how I really set myself up for trouble for having the wrong expectations in the first place. In my opinion and the various situations I’ve been in laughter has been one of the best medicines for me. So that’s where I am with that.
Last night, I went to church and I would love to say I heard a great Word, but to be honest with you, I didn’t. Because the speaker had a strong accent, it was very difficult for me with my hearing loss to understand what was being said and quite frankly I was a bit frustrated with myself by the whole thing. BUT, thankfully my mom and sister taking notes for me and I was able to pick up a CD afterwards. I listened to it earlier today and was able pause, rewind, etc. the whole sermon when needed and take down notes here and there on what I’d miss. I have to say that although last night was frustrating I was glad I went and was able to get the CD. One very poignant statement the speaker, Mark Ramsey made was, “Faith comes by hearing, hearing the Word of God. Let me put that in good content for you. Faith doesn’t come because you listen to a message, faith doesn’t come because you read the Bible, faith doesn’t come when you hear the Word of God in general. Faith comes when you hear the words (voice) of God. In other words, what is God saying to you when you read the Bible? That’s what gives you faith.” After hearing that I really don’t know if there is another way you can break down how faith should play out in our everyday life than the way it was just explained. So my question to you and myself, is what has God been speaking to you lately as you’ve been reading his Word? Another great thing he said was, “You don’t get what you want in life, you get what you BELIEVE”. Last but not least, “Faith isn’t what you think you know, faith is what you know when you don’t think—it’s in the heart, not the head.”
After hearing the latter statement, I quickly asked myself what I truly had faith in as various things where popping in my head, the only area I knew that the faith thing was an issue for me is whether I will marry or not. As I’m typing this, I’m really having a hard time putting these words on the screen, because it puts me in a place of vulnerability, which is not a place that I’m exactly comfortable with. Honestly, if I had my way wouldn’t share it. But, I know there are others out there who have this same struggle. You are able to truly and wholeheartedly believe God for everything in your life EXCEPT that one small piece. The only thing is, it isn’t as small as we like to make it seem at times. For some it may be that they know they are supposed to become parents, or that their family members should be saved, or that they should receive a physical manifestation of their healing, or that they family should be restored, or that they will have a financial breakthrough, or that their ministry should begin, or whatever promises and dreams God has placed on their hearts. There are things I KNOW are without a doubt supposed to come to past in my life. I know I’m supposed to have a private practice, I know I’m supposed to adopt and be a mom, I know I’m supposed to work in some capacity in the ministry, I know I’m supposed to write, I know I’m supposed to let my life be a testimony in and of itself. I KNOW these things, but I still struggle with if I will get married or not. A few years ago, I wrote a list of the characteristics I believe I should have out of my future husband. When I made the list, I made it in mind knowing where God wants me to ultimately end up in life. As time went on, the more I looked at the list, the more I began to wonder if there was anyway, a person could ever come into fruition with the words I put on the paper. Now, the characteristics I wrote down some may say I’m expecting a perfect man, but I know in my hearts of hearts that that isn’t the case. I am however expecting a man who is perfect for me and whose life and lifestyle exemplifies that of a godly man. Some would also say that if I know I will be a mother then, I should know I’m will be a wife. Some might disagree with me, but I am open to being a single mother if that is the case. I do believe that in a perfect world a child should have two parents, a mother and a father. But as we all know that isn’t always the case. I’m not willing to resort to sinning and having sex outside of marriage to become a mother, but I am willing to be a single parent of a child who needs a home, love, and guidance from a parent. Since adoption is something that has been near and dear to my heart for a long time now, it’s something that I see in my future single or married. Because I’m such a analyzer (it’s what makes me good at my job-smile), I do believe the things I have put on my list are the things that not only I should want, but any godly woman should want out of her mate. For me the seed of doubt comes into play when I remember that everyone of us has free will. We all make choices everyday that determine our destiny. God has a perfect will and plan for our lives, but if we aren’t obedient to it, then that will obviously affect our destiny, as well as the others that are in our lives right now and those who are supposed to be in our lives at a later time. So because of that, God could very well have planned for a particular whoever to come into my life, but because of their possible choices of choosing not to obey Him, that could have an impact on my future as well. As I’m typing this, I’m reminded of the scripture that, “God is able to do exceedingly, abudantly above all you could ask or hope for.” – Ephesians 3:20. (Hmmm…teachable moment right there. That’s why it’s good to study the scripture for yourself and know the Word, so at times you can minister to your own selves. Thanks to technology and online Bible reference tools you don’t have to know where every single scripture is, but just know the scriptures enough to be able to look it up and read it in its entirety, because out of the abundance of the heart, so the mouth speaks- Luke 6:45)
Now, I didn’t write the above to feed you a seed of doubt, despair, or hopelessness. That is the last thing I am trying to do here. I did it to be open, honest, and transparent about where I am now. Our relationship with Jesus Christ is a journey with no final destination until we reach Heaven. Where I am now (spiritually, mentally, and emotionally) will not be where I am 3,6,12 months from now. That same principle should apply to you all as well. I choose to believe that whatever the outcome of my future marriage status is, that I will be able to look back at this period of my life and see that regardless, “The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord” – Lamentations 3:25-26
Until next time…
