The Relationship Isn't For You!

Hey everyone!

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving holiday and were able to be surrounded by those you love and enjoy to spend time with. Mine was a good one. A few days leading up to Thanksgiving, I was sick and had it took a few days to gain my strength and energy back. During the week of Thanksgiving, surprisingly to some, including myself, I kept saying that I’m SO THANKFUL that I’m not in the relationship I was in earlier this year. I honestly look back at that 5 months period and have to shake my head and say to myself, “Really, Tia, really?” It is what it is and it was a learning experience. But I’m so happy I was to be able to spend this Thanksgiving being thankful for not only the things I do have, but the things I don’t have in my life. I used to be baffled and a bit annoyed when people would tell me that it is better to be single and happy than in a relationship and unhappy. I could never really understand in my finite thinking how being in a relationship a person could be unhappy, but after this year, I’m able to say “Oh, now I GET it.” Right after the relationship ended, I wanted to immediately blog all the things I had learned from the relationship, but decided not to because the emotions were too raw and I would be typing out of hurt, anger, and frustration. Now, I’m typing out of reflection, a heart to help others who might be in the same boat I was a few months ago, or desire to have a relationship at this point ( I know the holidays don’t help a lot of those thoughts and feelings) and needed to be reminded why to wait for good and healthy relationship. So below are some of the things I learned while in that relationship and afterwards.

1. If you know you are emotionally and mentally stable and you feel like the guy isn’t into you, more than likely, he isn’t into you. Let me put it this way, if you feel like you are an inconvenience to him and the relationship isn’t for you.
2. Again, if you are emotionally and mentally stable, but every time you end a conversation with the guy, you are more lost and confused about the issue at hand than before the conversation the relationship isn’t for you.
3. If you have people in your life you know truly care about you and they constantly ask you why you are still in the relationship, then again, the relationship isn’t for you.
4. If you feel and know that if you were to be completely yourself (tell him your beliefs, dreams, convictions, etc.) with the guy, that the relationship would not work out, then the relationship isn’t for you.
5. If at the beginning of the relationship, you have questions about whether the two of you are spiritually compatible (have the same religious foundations/principles) and he isn’t trying or able to convince you otherwise, then the relationship isn’t for you.
6. If the guy isn’t willing to fight with and for you, then the relationship isn’t for you. An example would be when you express your concerns about whether the relationship he has with you will make it, and his response is “There are plenty of fish in the sea”---that is not a guy you want.
7. If things aren’t “great” and easy to resolve during the beginning and honeymoon stages of the relationship, then they won’t be any easier as time moves on, the relationship isn’t for you.
8. If you would have to compromise items that should be on your non-negotiable list i.e. a godly man who exemplifies the characteristics of Christ, wants to have kids and/or adopt, is a giver, etc., then the relationship isn’t for you.
9. If he says one thing, but does another and you call him out on it and either gets almost indignant with you or actually causes you to question your sanity, then the relationship isn’t for you.
10. If he starts off telling you the plans he has for you and the future and then midway those plans change without notice and you call him out on it and he isn’t able to give you a clear answer, then the relationship isn’t for you.
11. If he doesn’t make an effort to be around your close friends and family, then the relationship isn’t for you.
12. If you tell him what things make you happy and content and he doesn’t listen and follow through, then the relationship isn’t for you.
13. If he expects you to put more into the relationship than he’s put into it himself, then the relationship isn’t for you.
14. If you spend more time in your relationship, crying, with a headache, and frustrated, then the relationship isn’t for you.
15. If you haven’t been in the relationship for that long (I was in mine for 5 months) and every month, he tells you he’s surprised that the relationship lasted this long, then RUN. Know that the relationship isn’t for you.
16. If you see signs that look like he’s trying to break up with you, more than likely he is and the relationship isn’t for you.
17. If he seems secretive and resents you asking him “too many questions”, then the relationship isn’t for you.
18. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, listen to what they say, even before you two become a couple, even the little things. The guy I dated told me before we dated he wanted to get a dog, after knowing him for years, I foolishly believed him and after we were dating I asked him about the dog and he stated that he didn’t want a dog and he was “just talking” when he told me he wanted a dog. A dog is a small thing to lie about, but if lies are told about small things, then one has to question the integrity and character of the other. Again, the relationship isn’t for you.
19. If he is willing to sacrifice you before himself, then the relationship isn’t for you.
20. If he doesn’t feel like he’s able to have a “safe place” with you and you feel the same about him,then the relationship isn’t for you.

So, those are my tidbits of wisdom. I could have made the list longer, and trust me it is, but these are the universal signs that no matter what you want out of your individual relationship the things one should be looking out for. For those relationship, I beg you to please pray to God, that he reveal to you if this is the person you should be with at this period of your life, and for those who desire a relationship, I beg you to pray and ask God what it is that He would have you to do at this point of your life until that person does come along. Also, in a relationship right now or not, spend this time writing a list from your heart’s desire of what you know you want and need out of a future mate—should mostly be your non-negotiables. So when you in a relationship you can refer to the list and see if that person is measuring up to that list or not. If they aren’t, there should be a tug of war going on internally as to whether or not you should stay or leave the relationship. Write down your vision and make it plain (see Habbukak 2:2-4). When visions are written down, you are held accountable for seeing them through and it helps keep you focused—there have been plenty of studies done to confirm this. Whichever decision you make will have to be one you’ll have to live with. But if you chose to leave or let the relationship go, then you will know at the end it REALLY was for your best and you will be better off. Who knows maybe thankful that the relationship no longer exists like I was. :)

I leave you with this scripture to meditate on, “Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; but happy is he who keeps the law.” – Proverbs 29:18.

Until next time…